The horrible, raw truth of the last (almost) two months...

I knew I had a plan to start working out and losing weight and being accountable to myself. But I have to say, that I was just overwhelmed. And when I become overwhelmed I shut up like a clam.

I did play on the Xbox a couple of times with my Zumba game. So I did something, other than sitting on my ass all the time.

I recently caught myself staring at myself in the mirror and The Hard Fat Truth of Reality kicked me in the ass. I'm not sure if I've been living with a bag over my head or not. While I was looking in the mirror, I turned sideways and saw it. The fat "belly apron".

Now, I know I'm fat. But for some reason in my head I still see myself as 100 lbs lighter than I am now. 100 pounds, gah, it even stinks to type it out. I use to be thin, never skinny. I guess you would have called me "thick" but not fat. And even then I wasn't happy with myself. Well that's what I'm aiming for. To be back to "thick" instead of "holy shit you're fat as hell".

I have a free 2 week gym membership that my 15 year old daughter and I plan on putting to good use. I will more than likely start out on the treadmill, even though I know I could walk outside. I thought about going for a walk today, but cleaned and ended up running around for other people instead. Now it's 8:30 and in the winter it gets dark way too fast.

I'm going to refer to my oldest daughter as "A". A is in kick butt shape and works out all the time. She plays soccer, lives for it, actually. That's where she is currently. My other two daughters are quite a bit younger than A. I've recruited A to be my workout buddy and to make sure I stay motivated but not feel like I'm failing. I haven't laid the ground rules for this yet and I think I'll be typing that up after this.

So yeah, here's my update. Still fat. Still figuring things out. But I want it more now than ever.

If I go to the Gym it will trigger Paranoid Mode

This weekend is going to be the beginning of changes for me. At least that is my mind-set. I'm probably not going to be working out until the kids go back to school and I'm home alone by myself though. I know how to properly eat, the husband and I have done this before I just didn't work out or all that hard at it.

I enjoy having the day to myself to do whatever I need to get done without interruption. It gives me time to sort my thoughts and do the work I need to do around the house. But I'm going to be setting some time during the day to start working out.

My oldest has a few games for the Xbox360 that I can use to start working out. I'll just have to see if I can figure it out because I'm really a computer gamer and not a console gamer. I would really prefer to work out alone and in my own house than to face the daunting fact that if I go to a gym I'll be spending money that could be used for something else and will probably stop going because I can't handle the staring and then my mind will start playing tricks on me and I will start having a dialog going on in my head of what the skinny people at the gym think of my fat ass trying to work out. I will go into paranoid mode and I will feel every jiggle, start to think of how horrible my clothes are fitting, what I look like, and feel every drop of sweat start to trickle.

The husband and kids don't know I'm going to be doing this for myself. I'm planning on keeping this to myself until I start seeing some results. I have to find my soft measuring tape so I can do the horrifying task of measuring how dense my fat is. Oh, it's already on my desk... damn measuring tape. I'm filled with dread just looking at it. It's one of those hard truths of reality that will be written down so I can take account of it.

Happy New Year to you all. I wish you all the best with whatever you've decided to do for yourselves.

This is my Journey, This is where it all starts over.

When your curves have curves and those curves have curves you stop being a curvy woman and just start being fat. Well that's me. I'm a fat woman. I'm also a mom of three beautiful girls, and an amazing wife.

I've tried to keep being "fat" define who I am, but that is a losing battle. I've decided that I'm going to start working out and getting into shape for myself first, my family second. I do believe that my children and my husband deserve to have a happy woman in their lives and not some miserable woman that just doesn't want to do anything and can't wait for it to be dark outside to, well, be outside.

I'm embarrassed about my size, the way my fat jiggles, and hangs. I never meant for my body and life to be like this, but this is what it's become. I feel trapped at times, but it's time to break free and be able to live. To take pictures and make memories for my girls and family. To be outgoing again and not worry about what other people think about me. To not worry about if I'll fit in that seat, if the airplane belt will fit across me, to shop in the "cute" clothing sections, to not have to suck it in anymore.

This is going to be my journey. I hope you'll stick around to share it with me.